HI!

Hello beautiful strangers!

SOME MUSING...

So, lately I have been thinking about Senior year and how it has been SO vastly different socially than the past 3 years of high school. It's such a weird thing. I am noticing myself and watching my friends grow up and remain immature at the same time.

It is happening for everyone at different rates but I'm pretty sure everyone is feelin' it one way or another. Whether it's separating from the control of our parents (and our need for their approval) or seeking out different types of activities, things are definitely shifting.

I know for me, I have been getting much less excited about going out and partying and find a solid movie night with a good friend much more appealing. I'm not quite sure why...maybe I just don't see the point in getting SHWASTEY and doing something MESSY and REGRETTING it the next morning or maybe it's just that nothing appealing enough is going on at the moment. This has definitely put space between me and some of my friends (which is makin' me kinda sad!). I have been feeling isolated merely because I don't have the physical or mental energy to party the way I used to. I know there is definitely a handful of people who feel the same way I do. Still, I can't help but feel a little isolated at times :/

On the brighter side, I have developed some new, awesome, and totally real relationships. I re-connected with my friend Christie and am loving every second of it! We were friends throughout Middle School and High School but there was always a weird competitiveness between us because we are usually up against each other for lead roles in the theater. Now that we have gotten past that, it's so much easier to enjoy her as a person because she's so much fun and I admire so much about her. I am also getting closer with my Mom everyday as I am accepting her as a human-being with flaws instead of blaming her for inadequacies. When my boyfriend and I broke up, she was the only one who said EXACTLY the right thing (which isn't usually how I feel!). I was (and am) so thankful to have her.

A REALIZATION...

I am also getting to know myself MUCH better! I now know that I, like everyone I suppose, have a built in self-preservation drive. Basically, I am afraid of being vulnerable because I don't trust people not to hurt me. In turn, I have developed these crazy, dumb defense mechanisms like being distant, cady or curt with people so I don't have to admit to (and therefore face) my own insecurities. I also know that I feel better about myself when I do small deeds for those around me that I love. This may seem obvious to some of you, but for me (with an insanely busy schedule), I know it's easy for me to get caught up in my wants, needs, anxieties and overall experiences. I did a lot collectivist work earlier in the year and then it kind of faded. I want to make sure I stay grounded and unselfish!

Still, some old habits remain. I still find myself holding onto friends who I know may not "feed my soul in a positive way" (as my mom would say). I am also having a hard time breaking the "attitudey" tone of voice I use with my Mom (and others) when I want to prove a point.

I figure since this is DEFINITELY a natural period of change (which is freakin' unsettling even though I know it's all good!), I might as well set goals for myself!

THE GOALS...

Here they are:

1. take things less personally (and in turn, stop getting unnecessarily defensive)
2. accept MY inadequacies as an individual but still strive to overcome my built in faults!
3. do something "self-less" everyday (today, I emptied the dishwasher, put away the dishes, and put the dirty dishes from the sink in. however small this may seem, it makes me appreciate the fact that someone else usually does that task for my (and my brother's) benefit!

What are your personal goals? I think everyone should always have one! It's kind of a fun self-love project!

Anyways, I'm off to arrange "Stand By Me" for my acapella group!

SMELL YA LAYTER!